<< /:Date:_13-12-2024//:09:19P.M. ◦ >>

<< /:Date:_04-11-2024//:00:30A.M. ◦ >>

<< /:Date:_08-10-2024//:06:08P.M. ◦ >>

<< /:Date:_01-10-2024//:01:04A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- About two days ago, just as I was saying goodbye to a friend, my dog bolted out the door and I spent half an hour chasing him on a bike. Must've looked quite silly. It's really peculiar how in situations like that, all my weariness about going outside and the fear that comes along with that just disappears. I only just came to realise, as I arrived back home, that I just did something I spent so many months being afraid of.

- Makes me wonder if I'm actually afraid of going outside or that I just don't want to. What is there to do here anyway? I can go to the store and that's about it. It's not that I don't like living in a city but this one is just... depressing. No skyscrapers, malls, diners. If only there were just one cool bar catered to people who are a bit outside of the social norm. Unfortunetely there's nothing like that around here, just endless upon endless rows of appartment complexes and the ocasional store in between.

- There's nothing left here for me. I wish someone would just take for away from here, I'd never look back.



- P.S. [This is my view. I do apologize for the abysmal image quality. It seems that this terminal isn't able to render any color other than green... nor make an image larger than the size of a peanut.]...█

<< /:Date:_28-09-2024//:11:02P.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- I lost about 15 pounds this month and I'm not even trying like before. I just can't find the energy to make myself anything let alone swallow it. I feel weak but I like seeing my body this way, I can see just about every bone in my body. My god I thought I was over this... apparently not. Come to think of it I haven't even weighed above 110lbs in the last 6 years. Food is just disgusting, isn't it?

- Anyway I've got a doctor's appointment next week. I stopped taking my antidepressants and the side effects are really starting to show. Hopefully he won't ask about my weight again...█


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<< /:Date:_2-09-2024//:04:32A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- You know that feeling I was talking about yesterday? That's kinda gone, or just morphed into something else I guess... I wish I had someone to love, someone who I can share music with or movies with, someone who can tell me about their day and struggles or things that inspired them. I probably sound desperate though why should I care if some stranger on the internet might find me desperate? I do, but I shouldn't.

- All my life I've been worried about offending people with things I say or do or even just my existence alone. Even when my brother brings his friends around the house I get this voice in my head questioning everything about myself like "oh, is this shirt too tight? am I showing too much skin? Are they weirded out because I'm trans?" But they're just always really nice to me...

- So why can't I just turn this thing in my head off? When I'm outside it's even worse because people are actually offended by my mere existence alone mostly not even because I'm trans but because I dress like an "emo". There's always a part of me that says:

- "I don't care what these people think. They're all just shallow minded 'individuals' who can't think for themselves and just insult other people to look cool in front of their friends who'm I don't even want to associate with anyways. So, thanks for making yourselves known!".

- But that's not a mindset I'm able to maintain for long, as I just start getting so angry my brain turns to mush and become incapable of reasoning with myself. I wish I could just knock their teeth out... not that I'd actually do anything like that mostly because they all travel in packs like a bunch of hyena's and even if one person alone insulted me I wouldn't be able to do anything because they all carry knives like the cowards they are.

- Now I've written several whole paragraphs about it, great... Why do I do this myself again?

- Anyway enough about that I wanted to write about this show I'm watching now that addresses a lot of these issues I have. It's called Six Feet Under. It's such an amazing show I haven't cried or laughed this hard at any form of media for such a long time it feels great. So even if I lost that specific feeling I had yesterday I gained a new one today or maybe the one just morphed into the other. It's hard to explain feelings with words maybe I'll try drawing something again soon.

- One last thing, I wanted to leave a quote here from Six Feet Under that really stuck with me.

- "You can't ever really know a person. If you think you can you're living in a fucking dreamworld."

- May not sound that impactful out of context but I think it's something more people should live by...█
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<< /:Date:_1-09-2024//:03:54A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- Wow it's September already, time flies when you're sitting alone in your room. Now, time to rant or vent or whatever you call it.

- Do you ever get the feeling like you're in love out of nowhere? Not even with a specific person but just the feeling of butterflies in your stomache. I can't even remember the last time I felt like this. It feels so good, I've only just realised how empty I've been feeling this whole time... I think realising that I'm not the only screwed up person in the world helped a lot, that I actually could be desirable to some people.

- Pretty much every person I've dated ended up breaking up with me because of me having a pretty big fear of people and just generally being depressed which is obviously understandable. I harbor no hard feelings towards them whatsoever. If you've never really experienced those feelings it can be really hard to understand a person who does. But those experiences have lead me to feel like a pariah for way too long when I'm actually not, maybe to some people yes, but not to everyone.

- When I got into my first relationship it felt as if nothing else mattered. This pretty much goes for every other relationship I've had. Even when playing visual novels I'll get so obsessed with characters I just tell myself that they're real which sounds really stupid or sad probably, I know. it's just something that helps me get through life.

- Like I said before almost every relationship I've been in ended because my partner thought I was too depressed etc. etc. which kind of changed something in me. I guess I found it kind of hard to even talk about my feelings with my ex's when they started showing signs that they didn't fully appreciate the way that I am or was I guess which is, like I also said, understandable. I hold nothing against them for wanting better and they're all wonderful people. But the times I've tried to explain my thought process usually didn't end very well. So I'd just start pretending to be someone else or just shut myself out completely.

- I think that feeling of shame for being the way I am has faded a little, it's still something I'm insecure about but I now feel that if I'm just upfront and honest with people I might just attract the right person. I'm also trying to actually talk to people online again, I joined a Shinsei Kammatechan server because I felt like those would be people who wouldn't judge someone for being royally screwed up. Besides that I love talking about music so I think I'll get along with the people there. Anyways it feels great to have some hope for finding a suitable partner/friends again. I hope this feeling will last I just got to hold onto to it.

- Also forgive me if I said something stupid. I've been running on 4 hours of sleep every night for like 5 days, so my mind is all over the place.

- "Because your lover is listening to music you don't know
And you're tangled up in the headphone wires
You know our problems, they don't end
Just because we get boy/girlfriends
Is this your salvation plan?
Is this your salvation plan?"...█
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<< /:Date:_30-08-2024//:00:58A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- Today I finally recieved my Iphone 3G! It's so cool and the camera quality is so beautifully 2000s!!!! I'm never gonna use my normal Iphone to shoot pictures again. That wasn't the only thing I recieved though, I've been waiting on a ton of stuff for some time which coincidently all arrived around the same time today! Except my Lily Chou-Chou poster, I'm still waiting for that. I bought a ton of clothes I'll probably show them off on my fashion section soon.

- I finally got around to making something of the 'Projects.' tab. I decided that just putting projects there would be a little limiting and since I don't have any space left on the sidebar I decided to make a 'Misc.' section instead. So now I can expand on my interests without having to post unrelated pictures or other stuff pop up in my blog lol. I currently have a 'Fashion', 'Photography' and 'Gamedev' section but I plan on making wayyy more but it'd be wise to not make too many sections right away so I can focus on completing the first three.

- I've been rediscovering my love for 神聖かまってちゃん (Shinsei Kamattechan). I honestly forgot they existed for like a year but after hearing ちりとり (Chiritori) again three days ago I can't stop listening to them!! I wish I could understand Japenese though. Noko's lyrics might be the greatest appeal for me. It sucks that I can't sing along and have to look up or even translate most of their lyrics. Anyways definitly my favourite band rn so go listen to them if u haven't already!!! ________________________________________

<< /:Date:_29-08-2024//:00:11A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- I'm sorry I don't write here more often, this place is getting me down. I wonder if there even are people like me here, if they are they must be undercover because I haven't found a single person who shares my interests except my one friend.

- I wish I could get out of here, this city is tainted. It never seemed that bad when I was younger, it amazes me how I was just able to ignore everything around me... nowadays it slaps me in the face every time I go out so I don't even bother anymore. I wonder if every place is like this. I constantly hear people saying "It's not that bad." and "If you were to move to a different place you'd probably have the same expierence there.". They're probably right but I can't help but hope there's some better place out there. I wish I could talk to you again, you'd understand.

- I've been spending a lot of time redocorating my room, buying posters, rearanging stuff, I even put some shelves on my wall (don't ask me how I did it.). It's beginning to look really cozy, I just wish it wasn't so small... I managed to buy a Lilly poster and I can't wait for it too arrive woooooo. It's the one Yuichi was carrying on his back in one of the first scenes, the one for 'Erotic'. That'll be my third piece of Lilly merch so far. I generally love collecting stuff from the late 90s/ early 2000s. I have so much stuff from that era most of my favourite media are from those decades as well. Especially websites from back then just had so much charm to them.

- I hate the way the internet is and has been for the last years, everything looks the same. It's all just flat boring corporate art. At least people back then put some effort in their advertisments or websites etc. Like there were all these bands who had cool ass websites with custom graphics and everything and even the ones that seemed kind of empty still had personality to them. That's mostly gone now, now people just use already existing social media platforms that are so limited in what you can actually customize... it's so BORING aaaaaaaaaaa.

- It's not just websites though literally everything suffers from this, like who honestly thinks windows 10 looks good? It's so flat and boring that it honestly becomes depressing to look at. there's barely any customizability, no charm and nothing that makes it stand out. Compare that to windows XP which had a very comfy design which is still remembered very fondly to this day AND was highly customizable in almost every way without even using third party software. Doesn't that make Windows 10 sound like a downgrade??? same goes for Apple products btw everything just keeps getting flatter and more limited which is why I'm so happy that Neocities exists, everything is so stylized and charming here!! It's definitly my favourite place on the web. I love browsing through the countless websites made on here and just reading about other peoples interests or how their day went. You all seem so cool I wish I could get to know you. ________________________________________

<< /:Date:_24-08-2024//:08:43P.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- I'm feeling alright.

- It feels like I'm starting to use this blog to vent about my mental health issues, while those are still prominent I wanted to try and capture the good moments as well. I almost feel guilty about my previous entries and sometimes get the urge to delete them, but I won't… unless someone I know irl finds this page.... then it's byebye blog!!!!!!

- I went outside today for the first time in like 2 months, it wasn't for very long but it made me feel just a little bit stronger again. To know that I'm still able to go outside without feeling constant fear has given me some hope. I think I will need to push myself more to do these things more often, I almost forgot that staying inside 24/7 isn't that good for your mental health. I'm doing my best to accept myself for who I am and to try and care less about what other people might think about me. I looked in the mirror today and actually felt pretty. Besides that I've been working a lot on polishing the map for my game, it's almost done now I'm so excited to see what it'll look like when it's done. I think I'll leave it at that for today

- I'm writing this at 24/08/2024, 5:15AM so I don't have the time to publish this entry right away I'll probably do that first thing tomorrow. Hope I sleep well lol goodbye! ________________________________________

<< /:Date:_21-08-2024//:03:01A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- It's been a while since my last entry, I've been busy with other things lately so I haven't found the time to post any updates here. I had to kind of force myself to even start writing here again because it's hard to find anything interesting to write about...

- I guess one interesting thing that happened is that I've stopped seeing my current psychiatrist because he fucked me over, AGAIN.

- I was supposed to go live in this place for young people struggling with mental health (sort of like a mental hospital but with more freedom), I was actually kind of looking forward to it. But in order for me to be placed there my psychiatrist had to write a letter of recommendation in which he made it sound like I was doing fine so the board rejected me. I haven't even had many conversations with this man and it's not like I'm just going to make it sound like I'm super miserable in every conversation even though I kind of am. Don't get me wrong I still told him things about me and my struggles that should suggest I'm doing far from fine.

- The last time I spoke with him was like 3 months ago and everything has gotten way worse since then. He never even called or texted me to get updates about my current situation. I thought everything was going to be fine because he literally told me the first time we met that "this place is made for you" and that he would , if necessary, twist facts to get me in there which honestly wouldn't even BE necessary if he would've just listened to me AAAAAAAAAA.

- This is why I don't trust psychiatrists!! You want me to come in and lay every miserable detail about me on the table or else you'll just think I'm trying to get some attention or something?? where's the logic in that, I barely even know you. I don't want to tell you that I'm harming myself again or that I've started isolating myself because there's no trust between us. I need to actually get to know the person I tell these things to or at least form some sort of bond, WHY is that so hard for these people to understand. It's not like I haven't tried either but it's so fucking hard when you're doing your best to explain your situation with only an hour PER MONTH and the person accross from you doesn't even pick up on half the things that I say which pisses me off becausE IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB!!!!!!! If you don't 100% understand something that's fine, just ask me what I actually meant. Don't just assume things about me and don't just fucking sit there with your smug face and your ugly ass attire and try to tell me what I'm feeling without EVEN LISTENING to a word I SAY.

- So I am very very angry right now. I'm trying my best to stay positive but it's so hard when this shit just keeps happening and there's also all this other stuff that's going on which I won't even get into rn. The only positive thing about this whole ordeal is that I can now finally say that this orginazation and it's many psychologists and psychiatrists are all fucking inhuman corporate shitbags who don't actually care about any of their patients and just try and be as vague as possible to keep you around long enough so they can take your money without actually doing anything. I've lost about almost all of my hope for this system but alas I'm going to try and find an orginazation which actually cares about it's patients, I am currently on my 4th attempt. WISH ME LUCK! ________________________________________

<< /:Date:_12-08-2024//:03:05A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

Why do I look back on the worst times of my life with so much longing to experience them again? I feel like harming myself to experience what it was like again. I stopped about 2 years ago, I slipped up a few times but never fully fell down again.

- It's easy to overlook but when I want to I can look at the marks on my arms and know exactly what point in my life I made them. I don't ever feel regret when looking at them, if anything I feel a sense of accomplishment. I know that must sound weird. The deeper I went the better I felt about myself. The act of putting myself through physical pain made me feel stronger mentally, gave me a sense of control.

- Right now I feel like I have no control, not even over myself. I want to do things but my mind shuts them down, instantly giving me a hundred reasons not to do them.

- The only thing that feels safe right now is writing and working on my website. It's like I'm only able to exist behind a screen. How do I get out of here? Why does it have to be so hard for me to just step outside? I need help but I don't know how to ask, I have never experienced Agoraphobia this intense. That's what this all comes down to, the fear of being judged. Why should I care what people think of me? I don't know, but I do. Here I feel safe... 'anonymous'.

- It's so much easier to write about the way I feel here than to talk about it with anyone in real life, especially psychologists or psychiatrists. I don't trust them, they have fucked me over time and time again. To them I'm probably just another name printed on a file.

- I remember the last time I went out to the store, I wasn't even outside for like 3 minutes and there were already people shouting disgusting things at me. Why would anyone do that? Because it's easier to hate someone you don't understand than it is to actually try? Well I tried to understand the logic behind it and it just makes me angrier. "murrmer, murrmer... COWARD!" What made you this way, all you can do is judge, judge, judge!!!!! For what? What do you gain? Nothing. I wish I had the strength to go against them but I'd probably get beaten up. I can't move. Fuck this city and fuck my tainted insides. ________________________________________

<< /:Date:_11-08-2024//:11:56P.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- I wanted to write about my problems with sleep but it felt kind of pointless to be talking about a sympton of depression or whatever the thing fucking up my head is... The reason I wanted to write about that is because I'm currently trying to fix my sleeping problems and go back to a somewhat more socially acceptable sleeping schedule. Not very interesting to write about so I'll leave it at that.

- I've been thinking about revamping my 'about' section to further expand upon my interests. I want to list some albums and movies I'm really into so I'll probably update that section soon. I wish there was more going on in my life to write about but unfortunately that's not the case right now. I also feel way too tired to write about other things, maybe I'll go to bed early tonight.

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<< /:Date:_10-08-2024//:02:30A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- I ended up not going to Germany. Which feels like a relief and a dissapointment at the same time. Instead I spent the day listening to music and updating my website, I finally updated the 'Art' section and posted some drawings I made.

- I'm still searching for the strength to go out again. 2 months ago I went outside almost every day. I think the sudden change of not having a partner anymore worsened my anxiety. Some days are better than others and there are times when I feel strong enough to attempt to go against my fears but that usually doesn't last long. maybe I just need some time to readjust.

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<< /:Date:_08-08-2024//:11:23P.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- I'm supposed to be going on vacation to Germany tomorrow with my dad and little brother. As you can probably tell from my tone I'm not too excited. I just don't think I’m in the right headspace right now to go on holiday, my sleeping schedule is fucked, I'm already hesitant to leave to house let alone drive all the way to Germany.

- I was also supposed to meet with my coach who is just filling in the gaps for when I meet with my psychiatrist which only happens like once a month. Even though he promised me he'd make more time for me but that's too much to ask for apparently. So now I have to meet with my 'coach' once a week who is probably only a few years older than me and barely has any experience which is just great!!! Anyways I didn't go to our meeting not that I dislike her or anything it's just that we're so different from each other so it feels kind of pointless to keep meeting with her if there's nothing we can bond over. Even if she's just supposed to be helping me there needs to be some kind of connection. She probably already noticed that anyway… I forgot to mention probably the only thing that we have in common is our names, we're both Rowan's so there's that lol.

- I don't know what I'm going to do about tomorrow. I really don't want to go but I don't want to disappoint my dad either. Feeling very anxious. Maybe I should just go for the experience alone, it's probably going to suck but at least I'd be doing something. I'll decide when I wake up tomorrow.

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<< /:Date:_06-08-2024//:02:29A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- I want to live again...
I want to go outside without feeling everyone's eyes stare upon me like I'm some sort of pariah...
I want to explore abandoned buildings with my friends...
I want to go to school again and not feel the constant pressure of not being able to excell at every at everything...
I want to accept myself for the person I am...
I want people to accept me for the person they think I am...
I wish I could live without fear.

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<< /:Date:_05-08-2024//:11:21P.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- It's been a while since my last entry, my head was elsewhere these last few days.

- Mentally I feel like I'm there again, I feel the same as back then. I hope it'll last this time. I don't know exactly what triggered this state of mind. It only happens once every year at most, then lingers for about 3 months and disappears.

- I've been trying to capture it in my work again. For my game I'm creating the place where I felt it for the first time, my old high-school. Second one I got into. When I look at it it's like I'm still there. I've been working on it for roughly a year, on and off. When I start working on it it's hard to stop until I've lost the feeling and forget about it for months. I'm so close to finishing it this time so I just need to hold on until it's done.

- When It's done I can finally move onto finishing the other aspects of my game... like the name. Saying 'My game' every time sounds kinda lame so I'll need to think of a cool project name. I suck at making up names for my projects though... this website is probably my best attempt at naming something as of yet. Not that I came up with it entirely on my own. It was a feature for windows 95 and up, it enabled users to discover and interact with other computers and share resources within their local network. It was always lurking on my parents computer when I was younger. Of course I had no idea what it even did back then, but I always liked the name... Sounds kind of cozy. Maybe I'll just name my game after this website for now. 'Project N.N.' or something.

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<< /:Date:_30-07-2024//:01:14A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- didn't have the time to write a blog entry yesterday cuz of my friend sleeping over. Still is so I don't have a lot of time now either but I just wanted to share that I've started working on my game again. The character is still way too small for the overworld so I'll have to make her a lot taller at some point, even the trash bins are bigger than her lol.

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<< /:Date:_28-07-2024//:01:33A.M. ◦ >>

Dear Kat,

- I'm feeling way too tired to actually write about my day, not that it was super interesting anyways so I'll just post some pics I made with my old digicam while I was on vacation a month ago.

> Directory: C:\Users\NN\Images\Apeldoorn

<< /:Date:_27-07-2024//:00:46A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- since yesterday's entry was kinda pessimistic I'll try to make this one a little less depressing...

- I've been spending some more time with my friends, it's been a good distraction from my boyfriend breaking up with me some time ago after being together for 2 years. Which felt like a huge blow... not that we had a fight or anything. We're still really good friends. I've never really experienced a breakup like this, it left me feeling pretty empty and alone in a way I've never felt before... we've been talking frequently though which really helps. He's very kind and supportive and it would've been a hundred times harder getting through this without him if that makes any sense.

- I recently started making Kandi bracelets with my friend. I'll post some pictures of how they turned out later. I've always liked making wearable things so I have no idea why I never thought of making them earlier. Might also make a fashion page on this website in the future to show off some of my outfits. I feel like I've finally started to like the way I dress. I've been buying a lot of clothes recently cuz my old wardrobe was a mess. I was never really happy with the way I looked because I didn't want to stand out too much. Recently I just tried to stop caring and started wearing what I want, not what other people deem 'appropiate' or 'normal' and I feel a whole lot better about myself for it. Where I live people will yell at you for wearing anything other than a track-suit or a white T-shirt and jeans lol so I get yelled at a lot when I'm outside which is really fucking annoying but it's still worth it!

- I think I'll leave it at that for today. I have never really written a diary/blog before so I hope it's not too incoherent lol anyways thanks for reading!!!!!!!!!

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<< /:Date:_26-07-2024//:02:17A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- T/W (self-harm, eating-disorders, suicide)

- Sooo... this is my first blog entry, after having this site up for about 7-8 months. I don't know why I decided to start writing now, there's not a lot going on in my life right now so I guess I'll just write about my feelings.

- I've been feeling kind of empty as of late, might be because of the meds I started taking. I hate having to take them... but if I don't my anxiety goes through the roof and I'll spend half the day worrying/ having panic attacks. I don't know where it all went wrong with me, if I had to say it would be around 2018 possibly even way before that but 2018 feels like somekind of milestone. That year something changed me, I don't even recognize the person I was before I turned 14.

- 2018 was probably the most fucked up year of my life so far but also the most defining for me as a person... at the time I felt absolutely devastated but at least I still felt something, there were still things going on in my life. I was still in school, still had friends, I was doing new things even though I was emotionally fucked it was all kind of exciting. I would give everything just to experience those moments again, I know that must sound stupid... it's hard to explain. I still had a fighting spirit those days, when I was destroying myself I just wanted people to see me and know that I wasn't doing okay even with my 'suicide' attempts I wasn't ever trying to actually kill myself even though I was pushing the edge I did it so people would notice me.

- I often hear people say stuff about self-harm like "Oh she was just doing it for attention." like it's something to be ashamed about... it isn't, it's a cry for help and it's not about giving up either. It's just that it's easier for me to cut or starve myself than it is to explain to someone why I'm feeling this way. recently I've been learning to talk more about my feelings which makes me feel much more vulnarable and weaker than I've ever felt before, my own mortality scares me now. I tried going back to my old ways but they don't make me feel anything, I just need to get rid of this stupid fear of everything and try to get my life back on the rails.

- So yeah, that's it. My first blog entry... sorry it was so depressing just needed to get this off my chest, so to whoever is reading this thank you for listening I know this might all sound like stupid rambling to some. I just wanted to write something for this page, hopefully future entries will be more positive lol I wanna start work on my game again so I'll probably give updates about that in future entries. Oh I also started making Kandi bracelets I'll post some on here tomorrow! It's 4:39AM so need to get some sleep now or else I'm going to die BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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<< /:Date:_12-12-2021//:00:36A.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- I've been 18 for a while now and still haven't killed myself, even though I promised myself I would. At least I'm no longer an alcoholic, I just started smoking a fuck ton of weed instead since it’s legal for me to buy now and that was kinda fun for a while so I guess that’s the one thing that actually kept me alive. It’s starting to feel old though, I need more. I started starving myself again so that my body hopefully just rots away so I don’t have to go through the actual act of killing myself. I’ve been looking online for people who actually have, I came across an obituary for a girl who seems a lot like me, I wish I would’ve met her…

- I’m struggling so hard to find people who are like me that it’s easier to just look up people who committed suicide because when reading about them I actually feel less alone… Try explaining your thought processes to anyone you know and immediately get shut down, admitted to a psych ward or thrown into an awkward silence until someone changes the subject to something mundane. I wish I could just level with people but there’s no one I know who has the same self destructive tendencies as I have. The few people that I could talk to about this stuff have either already committed suicide or just disappeared. Makes me wonder what I’m waiting for. I can’t help to have hope still, that someday I’ll find someone who’s the same as me… what else do I have to hold onto?

- Anyway back to the girl. I found a lot of things about her online, she was also an anorexic, cut herself until she hit muscle and her favourite band was Smashing Pumpkins. All things I could relate except I hadn’t really listened to Smashing Pumpkins yet, well I do now and I can see why it’s her favourite band.

- “Today is the greatest, day of them all. Can’t live for tomorrow, tomorrow’s much too long.”

- “Who is sorry now? If I show you how, will you let me down. Slit my wrists and die a whore.”

- You can probably already tell why so I won’t get into it too much. Lyrics are just so important for me and seeing someone capture these same feelings I also have into song is really comforting. I wish more people were open about these sort of feelings like self harm or suicidal ideation. The only place I could openly talk about these things with people was discord or this site called selfharm.pics but every server I was in got banned including my account at some point because fuck suicidal people I guess. Can’t let them have anything as long as its wholesome and supporting, wtf am I supposed to do with that? Pretend I want to get better? For what… there’s nothing I want to get better for...█

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