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You know that feeling I was talking about yesterday? That's kinda gone, or just morphed into something else I guess... ughghgghhh I just want somebody to love, someone who I can share music with or movies with, someone who can tell me about their day and struggles or things that inspired them. I probably sound desperate though why should I care if some stranger on the internet might find me desperate? I do, but I shouldn't.
All my life I've been worried about offending people with things I say or do or even just my existence alone. Even when my brother brings his friends around the house I get this voice in my head questioning everything about myself like "oh, is this shirt too tight? am I showing too much skin? Are they weirded out because I'm trans?" But they're just always really nice to me... so why can't I just turn this thing in my head off? When I'm outside it's even worse because people are actually offended by my mere existence alone mostly not even because I'm trans but because I dress like an "emo". There's always a part of me that says "I don't care what these people think. They're all just shallow minded 'individuals' who can't think for themselves and just insult other people to look cool in front of their friends who'm I don't even want to associate with anyways so thanks for making yourselves known." But that's not a mindset I'm able to maintain for long as I just start getting so angry my brain turns to mush and I'm incapable of reasoning like I wish I could just knock their teeth out… not that I'd actually do anything like that mostly because they all travel in packs like a bunch of hyena's and even if one person alone insulted me I wouldn't be able to do anything because they all carry knives like the cowards they are.
Now I've written a whole paragraph about it again, like, I shouldn't even pay attention to them... I'm letting them get to me. Why do I do this myself???? anyway enough about that I wanted to write about this show I'm watching now that addresses a lot of these issues I have. It's called Six Feet Under. It's such an amazing show I haven't cried or laughed this hard at any form of media for such a long time it feels great. So even if I lost that specific feeling I had yesterday I gained a new one today or maybe the one just morphed into the other. It's hard to explain feelings with words maybe I'll try drawing something again soon.
One last thing, I wanted to leave a quote here from Six Feet Under that really stuck with me.
"You can't ever really know a person. If you think you can you're living in a fucking dreamworld."
May not sound that impactful out of context but I think it's something more people should live by.
song of the day...
Lyrics
I don't feel the joy
I don't feel the pain
You were just a toy
I am just insane
Walking on my own
Leaving you behind
You were crying out
That you need to speak your mind
Oh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day
I am gonna kill
When I need a thrill
Eating at the heart
Till I've had my fill
When will stupid learn
Fire's gonna burn
Think of consequence
Then you move when it's your turn
Oh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day
Walking on my own
Leaving you behind
You were crying out
That you need to speak your mind
Oh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day
Haunt you every day
Haunt you every day
Wow it's September already god dang anyways time to rant or vent or WHATEVERRR
Do you ever get the feeling like you're in love out of nowhere? Not even with a specific person but just the feeling of butterflies in your stomache. I can't even remember the last time I felt like this. It feels so good like I've only just realised how
empty I've been feeling this whole time... I think realising that I'm not the only Hikikomori in the world helped a lot, that I actually could be desirable to some people. Pretty much every person I've dated ended up breaking up with me because of my
habit of fearing people and just generally being depressed which is truly understandable like if you don't have those feelings it can be really hard to understand a person who does. Idk I guess I've felt like a pariah for way too long when I'm actually
not, maybe to some people yes but not to everyone. I just want to find a person who loves and understands me, I feel like I could overcome anything if I just had a partner who understands me. I guess I've always been that way. When I got into my
first relationship it felt as if nothing else mattered. This pretty much goes for every other relationship I've had, even when playing visual novels I'll get so obsessed with characters I just tell myself that they're real which sounds really stupid
I know it's just something that helps me get through life. Like I said before almost every relationship I've had ended because my partner thought I was too depressed etc etc which kind of changed something in me I guess I found it kind of hard to even
talk about my feelings with my ex's eventually because they showed signs that they didn't fully appreciate my ways which is, like I also said, understandable. I hold nothing against them for wanting better and
they're all wonderful people.
I think that feeling of shame for being the way I am has faded a little, it's still something I'm insecure about but I now feel that if I'm just upfront and honest with people I might just attract the right person. I'm also
trying to actually talk to people online again through discord, I joined a Shinsei Kammatechan server because I felt like those would be people who wouldn't judge someone for being Hikikomori lol, Besides that I love talking about music so I think
I'll get along with the people there. Anyways it feels great to have some hope for finding a suitable partner/friends again. I hope this feeling will last I just got to hold onto to it.
Also forgive me if I said something stoopid I've been running on 4 hours of sleep every night for like 5 days loooooooooooooooooooooool.
Because your lover is listening to music you don't know
And you're tangled up in the headphone wires
You know our problems, they don't end
Just because we get boy/girlfriends
Is this your salvation plan?
Is this your salvation plan?
song of the day...
Lyrics
You can drive across the whole thing
In four days
If you really wanted
Leaving custom thank you notes
In all the houses
You ever haunted
In this whole solar system
We've only met one type of life
It's the living kind of life
And it's not one I recognize
America
America
America
America
America
America
America
America
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8!
I said "excuse me" to the ocean
Because I thought I had got in its way
At first, I didn't think it heard me
But then I saw it wave
You can spend every living moment thinking
How can I get out alive?
But is it really then, can you really call it
Hey man, just shut up and drive
I thought we'd be on the road all night
When that ice storm hit in Texas
And when we pulled into the gas station
It was like a frozen oasis
Oh, sweet mama, does that neon sign shine for me?
Is there a street where my name glows all through the night?
And I've never read (America)
No, I've never been (America)
I just never went (America)
I have never seen (America)
And I've never wrote (America)
I have never been (America)
No, I never spoke (America)
All I want to see (America)
All my fantasies are faking orgasms
They're only in it for the money I made up for them
I trade in ideas, opinions, and artistry
And my face is on every dollar
This is heaven but heaven is here
(This is heaven but heaven is here)
This is heaven but heaven is hard
(This is heaven but heaven is hard)
Because your lover is listening to music you don't know
And you're tangled up in the headphone wires
You know our problems, they don't end
Just because we get boy/girlfriends
Is this your salvation plan?
Is this your salvation plan?
Oh, there's only one type of love
It's the loving kind of love
But when you're mad at me, it's the end of times
And I'm mad at you all the other times
Have I ever really been in love?
I guess I've never really been in love
Have I ever really been in love?
Not in the way I'm thinking been in love
Haven't really been in love?
I've just never really been in love
Oh, have I ever really been in love?
No no, I've never really been in love
Real life's a mess
But at least you're not paying rent
You've been making it, maybe even breaking even
You oughta be content
It doesn't make sense
You're still sitting on the fence
When the yard is yours
And it was money well spent
And I've never read (America)
No, I've never been (America)
I just never went (America)
I have never seen (America)
America (America)
America (America)
Democracy (America)
Biographies (America)
Civil rights! Basically (America)
Bright lights! Living in the city (America)
Second prize in a beauty pageant (America)
200 dollars, this is life, this is your life! (America)
America! (America)
America! (America)
This is heaven (America)
I think that this is heaven! (America)
This is the place (America)
This is the place! (America)
This is the place! (America)
This is the place! (America)
Today I finally recieved my Iphone 3G! It's so cool and the camera quality is so beautifully 2000s!!!! I'm never gonna use my normal Iphone to shoot pictures again. That wasn't the only thing I recieved though, I've been waiting on a ton of stuff for
some time which coincidently all arrived around the same time today! Except my Lily Chou-Chou poster, I'm still waiting for that. I bought a ton of clothes I'll probably show them off on my fashion section soon. I finally got around to making something of
the 'Projects' tab. I decided that just putting projects there would be a little limiting and since I don't have any space left on the sidebar I decided to make a 'Misc.' section so I can expand on my interests without having to post unrelated pictures
or other stuff pop up in my blog lol. I currently have a 'Fashion', 'Photography' and 'Kandi' section but I plan on making wayyy more but it'd be wise to not make too many sections right away so I can focus on completing the first three.
I've been rediscovering my love for 神聖かまってちゃん (Shinsei Kamattechan). I honestly forgot they existed for like a year but after hearing ちりとり (Chiritori) again three days ago I can't stop listening to them!! I wish I could understand Japenese
though. Noko's lyrics might be the greatest appeal for me. It sucks that I can't sing along and have to look up or even translate most of their lyrics. Anyways definitly my favourite band rn so go listen to them if u haven't already!!!
song of the day...
Lyrics
I don't want to, I don't want to. I don't want to, I don't want to!
I want to die!
Outside of the toilet
I want to die!
Outside of the toilet
I don't want to, I don't want to. I don't want to, I don't want to!
I want to die!
Outside of the toilet
I want to die!
Angels fall down
I want to die! I want to die!
I don't want to!
I don't want to, I don't want to. I don't want to, I don't want to!
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to
I don't want to!
I want to die! I want to die! I want to die! I want to die! I want to die! I want to die! I want to die! It's painful, I don't want to
I want to die! I want to die! I want to die! Angels fall down. I want to die! I want to die! I want to die! I want to die
I'm sorry I don't write here more often, this place is getting me down. I wonder if there even are people like me here, if they are they must be undercover because I haven't found a single person who shares my interests except my one friend. I wish
I could get out of here, this city is tainted. It never seemed that bad when I was younger, it amazes me how I was just able to ignore everything around me... nowadays it slaps me in the face every time I go out so I don't even bother anymore. I wonder
if every place is like this. I constantly hear people saying "It's not that bad." and "If you were to move to a different place you'd probably have the same expierence there.". They're probably right but I can't help but hope there's some better place
out there. I wish I could talk to you again, you'd understand.
I've been spending a lot of time redocorating my room, buying posters, rearanging stuff, I even put some shelves on my wall (don't ask me how I did it.). It's beginning to look really cozy, I just wish it wasn't so small... I managed to buy a Lilly poster
and I can't wait for it too arrive woooooo. It's the one Yuichi was carrying on his back in one of the first scenes, the one for 'Erotic'. That'll be my third piece of Lilly merch so far. I generally love collecting stuff from the late 90s/ early 2000s. I have so much
stuff from that era most of my favourite media are from those decades as well. Especially websites from back then just had so much charm to them. I hate the way the internet is and has been for the last years, everything looks the same. It's all just flat boring corporate art. At least people back then put some effort
in their advertisments
or websites etc. Like there were all these bands who had cool ass websites with custom graphics and everything and even the ones that seemed kind of empty still had personality to them. That's mostly gone now, now people just use already existing social
media platforms that are so limited in what you can actually customize... it's so BORING aaaaaaaaaaa. it's not just websites though literally everything suffers from this, like who honestly thinks windows 10 looks good? It's so flat and boring that it
honestly becomes depressing to look at. there's barely any customizability, no charm and nothing that makes it stand out. Compare that to windows XP which had a very comfy design which is still remembered very fondly to this day AND
was highly customizable in almost every way without even using third party software. Doesn't that make Windows 10 sound like a downgrade??? same goes for Apple products btw everything just keeps getting flatter and more limited which is why
I'm so happy that Neocities exists, everything is so stylized and charming here!! It's definitly my favourite place on the web. I love browsing through the countless websites made on here and just reading about other peoples interests or how their day
went. You all seem so cool I wish I could get to know you.
song of the day...
Lyrics
A girl searches for hardcore gore pictures
with her VAIO laptop.
Plants grew inside her notebook
criminal-like cuteness sprang from her mind.
There exists a love that won't come true in society
"I wish I were beautiful",
when she thought this,
certainly, it was only because
she had taken too many pills.
"Is this normal? Is it all right?"
it bothered her.
Feeling the drugs even more,
"this kind of self...
whatever it doesn't really matter."
When Mika-chan bites her hand,
her face looks blank.
Inside her notebook, plants stir.
Criminal-like cuteness sprang from her mind.
Love is a fantasy, almost like this, look...
"I wish I were beautiful",
when she thought this,
certainly, it was only because
she had taken too many pills.
"Like someone that's coming to hurt me,
I want to beat it to death."
Feeling the drugs even more,
"this kind of world is...
whatever it doesn't really matter."
Waving a knife above her head,
she thinks, "Let's go crazy!".
Drinking vegeteble juice,
she was doing her best,
and she felt like herself.
"I'll kill everyone.
The angel says my wings have been taken,
they were ripped off together
and even while wearing cute clothes.
Everything is terrible,
no one comes near me..."
"I wish I were beautiful",
when she thought this,
certainly, it was only because
she had taken too many pills.
"Is this normal? Is it all right?"
it bothered her.
Feeling the drugs even more,
"this kind of self...
whatever it doesn't really matter."
Grotesque flower.
Grotesque flower!
Blog entry: 12 Date: 24/08/2024 20:43
Dear Kat,
I'm feeling alright.
It feels like I'm starting to use this blog to vent about my mental health issues, while those are still prominent I wanted to try and capture the good moments as well. I almost feel guilty
about my previous entries and sometimes get the urge to delete them, but I won't… unless someone I know irl finds this page.... then it's byebye blog!!!!!!
I went outside today for the first time in like 2 months, it wasn't for very long but it made me feel just a little bit stronger again. To know that I'm still able to go outside without feeling
constant fear has given me some hope. I think I will need to push myself more to do these things more often, I almost forgot that staying inside 24/7 isn't that good for your mental health.
I'm doing my best to accept myself for who I am and to try and care less about what other people might think about me. I looked in the mirror today and actually felt pretty. Besides that I've
been working a lot on polishing the map for my game, it's almost done now I'm so excited to see what it'll look like when it's done. I think I'll leave it at that for today
I'm writing this at 24/08/2024, 5:15AM so I don't have the time to publish this entry right away I'll probably do that first thing tomorrow. Hope I sleep well lol goodbye!
song of the day...
Lyrics
The red sky fading in the distance
The peace sign burning in a vision from God
Please help me
The red sky fading in the distance
The peace sign burning like a vision from God
Please help me
No hope
No hope
Eugh, no hope
Can we make something beautiful with no hope?
The nightmare hiding in the corner
The dead hope that you always held onto as a little girl
You know why everything is horror
Horror, horror
You know why no one will remember us in a better world
Can we make something beautiful
For a better world?
For a better world?
The dead hope that you always clung to
The dream that someday it would heal you
Is there anywhere left to fall?
I try so hard to recall hope
Ancient hope
Rotting hope
Can we make something beautiful with no hope?
Ancient hope
Rotting hope
Can we make something beautiful with no hope?
With no hope
With no hope
Can we make something beautiful with no hope?
Blog entry: 11 Date: 21/08/2024 03:01
Dear Kat,
It's been a while since my last entry, I've been busy with other things lately so I haven't found the time to post
any updates here. I had to kind of force myself to even start writing here again because it's hard to find anything
interesting to write about... I guess one interesting thing that happened is that I've stopped seeing my current
psychiatrist because he fucked me over, AGAIN.
I was supposed to go live in this place for young people struggling
with mental health (sort of like a mental hospital but with more freedom), I was actually kind of looking forward
to it. But in order for me to be placed there my psychiatrist had to write a letter of recommendation in which
he made it sound like I was doing fine so the board rejected me. I haven't even had many conversations with this
man and it's not like I'm just going to make it sound like I'm super miserable in every conversation even though
I kind of am. Don't get me wrong I still told him things about me and my struggles that should suggest I'm doing
far from fine.
The last time I even spoke with him was like 3 months ago and everything has gotten way worse since
then. He never even called or texted me to get updates about my current situation. I thought everything was going
to be fine because he literally told me the first time we met that "this place is made for you" and that he would
, if necessary, twist facts to get me in there which honestly wouldn't even BE necessary if he would've just
listened to me AAAAAAAAAA.
This is why I don't trust psychiatrists!! You want me
to come in and lay every miserable detail about me on the table or else you'll just think I'm trying to get some
attention or something?? where's the logic in that, I barely even know you. I don't want to tell you that I'm harming myself again or that I've started isolating myself
because there's no trust between us!!! I need to actually get to know the person I tell these things to or at
least form some sort of bond WHY is that so hard for these people to understand. It's not like
I haven't tried either but it's so fucking hard when you're doing your best to explain your situation with only an hour PER MONTH and the
person accross from you doesn't even pick up on half the things that I say which pisses me off becausE IT'S YOUR
FUCKING JOB!!!!!!! If you don't 100% understand something that's fine, just ask me what I actually meant. Don't just
assume things about me and don't just fucking sit there with your smug face and your ugly ass attire and try to tell me
what I'm feeling without EVEN LISTENING to a WORD I SAY.
So I am very very angry right now, hopefully I don't sound like some rambling crazy person right now. I'm trying my best to stay positive but it's so hard when this shit just keeps happening and there's also all this other stuff that's going on which I won't even get into rn. The only positive thing about this whole ordeal is that I can now finally
say that this orginazation and it's many psychologists and psychiatrists are all fucking inhuman corporate shitbags who
don't actually care about any of their patients and just try and be as vague as possible to keep you around long enough
so they can take your money without actually doing anything. I've lost about almost all of my hope for this system but
alas I'm going to try and find an orginazation which actually cares about it's patients, I am currently on my 4th
attempt. WISH ME LUCK!
song of the day...
Lyrics
Step right up march push
Crawl right up on your knees
Please greed feed (no time to hesitate)
I want a little bit I want a piece of it I think he's losing it
I want to watch it come down
Don't like the look of it, don't like
The taste of it, don't like the smell of it
I want to watch it come down
All the pigs are all lined up
I give you all that you want
Take the skin and peel it back
Now doesn't it make you feel better?
Shove it up inside surprise! Lies
Stains like the blood on your teeth
Bite chew suck away the tender parts
I want to smash it up I want to break it up I want to fuck it up
I want to watch it come down
Maybe afraid of it let's discredit it, let's pick away at it
I want to watch it come down
All the pigs are all lined up
I give you all that you want
Take the skin and peel it back
Now doesn't that make you feel better?
The pigs have won tonight
Now they can all sleep soundly
And everything is all right
Blog entry: 10 Date: 12/08/2024 03:05
Dear Kat,
Why do I look back on the worst times of my life with so much longing to experience them again? I feel like harming myself to experience what it was like again. I stopped about 2 years ago, I slipped up a few times but never fully fell down again. It's
easy to overlook but when I want to I can look at the marks on my arms and know exactly what point in my life I made them. I don't ever feel regret when looking at them, if anything I feel a sense of accomplishment. I know that must sound weird. The
deeper I went the better I felt about myself. The act of putting myself through physical pain made me feel stronger mentally, gave me a sense of control. Right now I feel like I have no control, not even over myself. I want to do things but my mind
shuts them down, instantly giving me a hundred reasons not to do them.
The only thing that feels safe right now is writing and working on my website. It's like I'm only able to exist behind a screen. How do I get out of here? Why does it have to be
so hard for me to just step outside? I need help but I don't know how to ask, I have never experienced Agoraphobia this intense. That's what this all comes down to, the fear of being judged. Why should I care what people think of me? I don't know, but
I do. Here I feel safe... anonymous. It's so much easier to write about the way I feel here than to talk about it with anyone in real life, especially psychologists or psychiatrists. I don't trust them, they have fucked me over time and time again. To
them I'm probably just another name printed on a file.
I remember the last time I went out to the store, I wasn't even outside for like 3 minutes and there were already people shouting disgusting things at me. Why would anyone do that? Because it's
easier to hate someone you don't understand than it is to actually try? Well I tried to understand the logic behind it and it just makes me angrier. "murrmer, murrmer... COWARD!" What made you this way, all you can do is judge, judge, judge!!!!!
For what? What do you gain? Nothing. I wish I had the strength to go against them but I'd probably get beaten up. I can't move. Fuck this city and fuck my tainted insides.
song of the day...
Lyrics
This city has its share of stairs, la-da-da, da-da
And if you stay there, then no one cares, la-da-da, da-da
These boxes I should probably recycle
This city has its share of stairs, la-da-da, da-da
I haven't eaten in so long
Stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop
I'd like to travel the world, babe
But stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop
The concrete breaks my heart again, la-da-da, da-da
Some kids walk by, I spit at them, la-da-da, da-da
The grocery store will still be there tomorrow
The concrete breaks my heart again, la-da-da, da-da
I want a therapist more fucked up than me
Stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop
And I look in your eyes like a deer looks into headlights
But the stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop
If I had a little time, maybe I could start to find my way out
But every time I move my feet, dance my way onto the street, I lose it
There's still beer cans on the step, I pretend that I have kept on purpose
But when the trash man comes around, I just start to feel so down
I can't move
I haven't eaten in so long
Stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop
I'd like to travel the world, babe
But stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop
But stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop
But stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop (afraid to leave)
But stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop (afraid to leave)
But stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop (afraid to leave)
But stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop (afraid to leave)
But stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop (afraid to leave)
But stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop (afraid to leave)
Blog entry: 09 Date: 11/08/2024 23:56
Dear Kat,
I wanted to write about my problems with sleep but it felt kind of pointless to be talking about a sympton of depression or whatever the thing fucking up my head is... The reason I wanted to write about that is because I'm currently trying to fix my
sleeping problems and go back to a somewhat more socially acceptable sleeping schedule. Not very interesting to write about so I'll leave it at that.
I've been thinking about revamping my 'about' section to further expand upon my interests. I want to list some albums and movies I'm really into so I'll probably update that section soon. I wish there was more going on in my life to write about but
unfortunately that's not the case right now. I also feel way too tired to write about other things, maybe I'll go to bed early tonight.
Made this playlist cover inspired by NIN's 1992 BROKEN EP. Probably my favourite band, or at least the one I spent the most time listening to. I love industrial rock/metal too as genres but nothing will ever compare to NIN.
song of the day...
Lyrics
Gave up trying to figure it out
But my head got lost along the way
Worn out from giving it up
But my soul, I pissed it all away
Do you feed these shattered nerves
Pigs we get what pigs deserve
I'm going all the way down
I'm leaving today
Come, come, come on, you've gotta fill me up
Come, come, gotta let me inside of you
Come, come, come on, you've gotta fix me up
Come, come, gotta let me inside you
Still feel it all slipping away
But it doesn't matter anymore
Everybody's still stripping away
But it doesn't matter anymore
Look through these blackened eyes
You'll see 10 000 lies
My lips may promise, but my heart is a whore
Come, come, come on, you've gotta fix me up
Come, come, gotta let me inside of you
Come, come, come on, you've gotta fill me up
Come, come, gotta let me get through to you
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right
I know it's all getting away
And it comes to me as no surprise
And I know what's coming to me
Is never going to arrive
Fresh blood through tired skin
New sweat to drown me in
Dress up this rotten carcass
Just to make it look alive
Come, come, come on, you've gotta fill me up
Come, come, gotta let me inside of you
Come, come, come on, you've gotta fix me up
Come, come, gotta let me inside of you
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right now
This isn't meant to last, this is for right
I want you to take me
I want you to break me
Then I want you to throw me away
I want you to take me
I want you to break me
Then I want you to throw me away
I want you to take me
I want you to break me
I want you to throw me away
I want you to take me
I want you to break me
I want you to throw me away
Blog entry: 08 Date: 10/08/2024 02:30
Dear Kat,
I ended up not going to Germany. Which feels like a relief and a dissapointment at the same time. Instead I spent the day listening to music and updating my website, I finally updated the 'Art' section and posted some drawings I made.
I'm still searching for the strength to go out again. 2 months ago I went outside almost every day. I think the sudden change of not having a partner anymore worsened my anxiety. Some days are better than others and there are times when I feel strong enough to attempt to go against my fears but that usually doesn't last long. maybe I just need some time to readjust.
song of the day...
Lyrics
Whoo!
Overwhelming thought of being on my own
For two weeks straight without the sight of you around
Overwhelming thought of if this last forever
If you'll find ways to remember me somehow
I hope you know
Everything you do is
Special to me
You're my skeleton key
So do you even have to ask me?
You know that I wanna be there with you (ooh)
I wanna be there with you (ooh)
I hope you know
Everything you do is
Special to me
You're my skeleton key
I hope you know
Everything you do is
Special to me
You're my skeleton key
Blog entry: 07, Date: 08/08/2024 23:23
Dear Kat,
I'm supposed to be going on vacation to Germany tomorrow with my dad and little brother. As you can probably tell from my tone I'm not too excited. I just don't think I’m in the right headspace right now to go on holiday,
my sleeping schedule is fucked, I'm already hesitant to leave to house let alone drive all the way to Germany.
I was also supposed to meet with my coach who is just filling in the gaps for when I meet with my psychiatrist
which only happens like once a month. Even though he promised me he'd make more time for me but that's too much to ask for apparently. So now I have to meet with my 'coach' once a week who is probably only a few years
older than me and barely has any experience which is just great!!! Anyways I didn't go to our meeting not that I dislike her or anything it's just that we're so different from each other so it feels kind of pointless to
keep meeting with her if there's nothing we can bond over. Even if she's just supposed to be helping me there needs to be some kind of connection. She probably already noticed that anyway… I forgot to mention probably the
only thing that we have in common is our names, we're both Rowan's so there's that lol.
I don't know what I'm going to do about tomorrow. I really don't want to go but I don't want to disappoint my
dad either. Feeling very anxious. Maybe I should just go for the experience alone, it's probably going to suck but at least I'd be doing something. I'll decide when I wake up tomorrow.
Here's an unrelated picture of me carving something in a tree from last month.
Bury me six feet deep and just cover me in concrete please
Turn me into a street, turn me into a street
I don't wanna wait forever and ever, please
Turn me into a street
song of the day...
Lyrics
Don't disconnect everything we've built up
Don't start a fire from the inside out
I'll keep quiet 'cause the truth is getting too loud
You panic at the pressure gonna pull you under
Hands off of me, I'm not going down
I've given up too much to let this take me out
Don't ask me how I'm feeling, there's nothing to talk about
Don't ask me how I'm feeling, I don't want to talk it out
Scenes from yesterday slowly drifting away
How could anything ever be the same?
Knew there'd come a day when I'd need to go on holiday
If there's one thing that's for sure
It's change is on its way, and it waits for no one
I beat myself up every time
But it's not
It's not
It's not my fault
Don't ask me how I'm feeling, there's nothing to talk about
Don't ask me how I'm feeling, I don't want to talk it out
I don't want to talk it out
If there's one thing that's for sure, I don't want to talk it out
Blog entry: 06, Date: 06/08/2024 02:29
Dear Kat,
I want to live again... I want to go outside without feeling everyone's eyes stare upon me like I'm some sort of pariah... I want to explore abandoned buildings with my friends... I want to go to school
again and not feel the constant pressure of not being able to excell at every at everything... I want to accept myself for the person I am... I want people to accept me for the person they think I am... I wish I could live
without fear.
I can still feel you, even so far away
song of the day...
Lyrics
I woke up today
To find myself in the other place
With a trail of my footprints
From where I ran away
It seems everything I've heard
Just might be true
And you know me
(Well you think you do)
Sometimes, I have everything
Yet I wish I felt something
Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When i think I can overcome
It runs even deeper
And in a dream I'm a different me
With a perfect you
We fit perfectly
And for once in my life I feel complete
And I still want to ruin it
Afraid to look
As clear as day
This plan has long been underway
I hear them call
I cannot stay
The voice inviting me away
Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I can overcome
It runs even deeper
Everything that matters is gone
All the hands of hope have withdrawn
Could you try to help me hang on?
It runs
I'm straight
I won't crack
On my way
And I can't turn back
I'm okay
I'm on track
On my way
And I can't turn back
I stayed
On this track
Gone too far
And I can't come back
I stayed
On this track
Lost my way
Can't come back
I stayed
On this track
Gone too far
And I can't come back
I stayed
On this track
Lost my way
Can't come back
I stayed
On this track
Gone too far
And I can't come back
I stayed
On this track
Lost my way
Can't come back
Blog entry: 05, Date: 05/08/2024 23:21
Dear Kat, 11:21 P.M., August 5th. Currently writing an entry for my blog.
It's been a while since my last entry, my head was elsewhere these last few days. Mentally I feel like I'm there again, I feel the same as back then. I hope it'll last this time.
I don't know exactly what triggered this state of mind. It only happens once every year at most, then lingers for about 3 months and disappears. I've been trying to capture it in my work again. For my game I'm creating the place where I felt it for the first time, my old high-school. Second one I got into.
When I look at it it's like I'm still there. I've been working on it for roughly a year, on and off. When I start working on it it's hard to stop until I've lost the feeling and forget about it for months. I'm so close to finishing it this time so I
just need to hold on until it's done. When It's done I can finally move onto finishing the other aspects of my game... like the name. Saying 'My game' every time sounds kind of stupid so I'll need to think of a cool project name. I suck at making up
names for my projects though... this website is probably my best attempt at naming something as of yet. Not that I came up with it entirely on my own. Network Neighbourhood was a feature for windows 95 and up, it enabled users to discover and
interact with other computers and share resources within their local network. It was always lurking on my parents computer when I was younger. Of course I had no idea what it even did back then, but I always liked the name... Sounds kind of cozy.
Maybe I'll name my game after this website. 'Project N.N.' or something.
(These are not in-game screenshots, these is just the sprite editor so any objects or details that are placed in the room itself are not visible... Go to blog entry 4 to see an early in-game screenshot!!)
song of the day...
Lyrics
Well, when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way
And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing, I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can
When you go
And would you even turn to say
I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday
Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby, when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay
And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa
When you go
And would you even turn to say
I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday
Well, come on, come on
When you go
Would you have the guts to say
I don't love you
Like I loved you yesterday?
I don't love you
Like I loved you yesterday
I don't love you
Like I loved you yesterday
Blog entry: 04, Date: 30/07/2024 01:14
Hi, didn't have the time to write a blog entry yesterday cuz of my friend sleeping over. Still is so I don't have a lot of time now either but I just wanted to share that I've started working on my game again. The character is still
way too small for the overworld so I'll have to make her a lot taller at some point, even the trash bins are bigger than her lol.
song of the day...
Lyrics
It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic, it makes no sense at all
I'm ripe with things to say
The words rot and fall away
What stupid poem, could fix this home?
I'd read it every day
So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night?
Twenty years now lost
It's not right
Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems
They never solve them, it makes no sense at all
I see them everyday
We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants
And it's what she wants
Then why is there so much pain?
So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night
Twenty years now lost
It's not right
So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night
Twenty years now lost
It's not right
It's not right
It's not right
It's not right
Blog entry: 03, Date: 28/07/2024 01:33
Hii, feeling way too tired to actually write about my day, not that it was super interesting anyways so I'll just post some pics I made with my old digicam while I was on vacation a month ago.
1: Hallway to our room. 2: Me and my friend on a swing outside the stayokay.
3: Gate to the forest. 4: A mother Boar with her babies.
5: our shoes!!!!!! 6: nice looking field. lol
7: lens flare. 8: Some kind of office building in the middle of the forest, looks awesome.
song of the day...
Lyrics
I can't speak through these walls of lead
Built from broken thoughts
No one sees me
They all try to make me what I'm not
I need to talk but not with them
They won't like what I say
I force it out, too corrupt
They hate me anyway
I take back all the words I feel
'Cause I can't let them know
What I have to do to make the sound the way it so
No time for open mind
The honesty, it seems so weak
TV comes at bedtime
I kill the world to hear it speak
So kill me once, kill me twice
I am already dead
You can't hear the noise inside my head
I'm living in a dead world
Running out things to do
What I wouldn't give for something new
So kill me once, kill me twice
I am already dead
You can't hear the noise inside my head
I'm living in a dead world
Running out things to do
What I wouldn't give for something new
I can't speak through these walls of lead
Built from broken thoughts
No one sees me
They all try to make me what I'm not
I need to talk but not with them
They won't like what I say
I force it out, too corrupt
They hate me anyway
I take back all the words I feel
'Cause I can't let them know
What I have to do to make the sound the way it so
No time for open mind
The honesty, it seems so weak
TV comes at bedtime
I kill the world to hear it speak
So kill me once, kill me twice
I am already dead
You can't hear the noise inside my head
I'm living in a dead world
Running out things to do
What I wouldn't give for something new
So kill me once, kill me twice
I am already dead
You can't hear the noise inside my head
I'm living in a dead world
Running out things to do
What I wouldn't give for something new
So kill me once, kill me twice
I am already dead
You can't hear the noise inside my head
I'm living in a dead world
Running out things to do
What I wouldn't give for something new
So kill me once, kill me twice
I am already dead
You can't hear the noise inside my head
I'm living in a dead world
Running out things to do
What I wouldn't give for something new
Blog entry: 02, Date: 27/07/2024 00:46
Hi again, since yesterday's entry was kinda pessimistic I'll try to make this one a little less depressing...
I've been spending some more time with my friends, it's been a good distraction from my boyfriend breaking up with me some time ago after being together for 2 years. Which felt like a huge blow... not that we had a fight or anything. We're still really good friends. I've never really experienced a breakup like this, it left me feeling pretty empty and alone in a way I've never felt before... we've been talking
frequently though which really helps. He's very kind and supportive and it would've been a hundred times harder getting through this without him if that makes any sense.
I recently started making Kandi bracelets with my friend. I'll post some pictures of how they turned out later. I've always liked making wearable things so I have no idea why I never thought of making them earlier. Might also make a fashion page on this website in the future to show off some of my outfits. I feel like I've finally started to like the way I dress. I've been buying a lot of clothes recently cuz my old wardrobe was a mess. I was never really happy with the way I looked because I didn't want to stand out too much. Recently I just tried to stop caring and started wearing what I want, not what other people deem 'appropiate' or 'normal' and I feel a whole lot better about myself for it. Where I live people will yell at you for wearing anything other than a track-suit or a white T-shirt and jeans lol so I get yelled at a lot when I'm outside which is really fucking annoying but it's still worth it!
I've been getting into music again as well. I was getting kinda bored by the music I was listening to even though I've always been trying to find new stuff through forums like rateyourmusic and sputnikmusic but nothing really clicked until I
started listening to some old bands I listened to when I was still in high-school, mostly pop punk/emo bands like Sum 41, MCR, Paramore etc. idk what it is about that style of music but it never gets old for me lol. So I've been finding more
music in a similar vein to those bands like Jimmy Eat World, Origami Angel, Blink-182 etc. I'll link my spotify somewhere below here so u can check it out for yourself if you're interested. I also love Industrial Rock/Metal, NIN will probably
forever be my favourite band. So yeah, I've been switching between those two genres a lot and I'm really glad that I'm able to enjoy music again.
I think I'll leave it at that for today. I have never really written a diary/blog before so I hope it's not too incoherent lol anyways thanks for reading!!!!!!!!!
song of the day...
Lyrics
From throat and eyes came winter and reasons
I'm told to carry on
Sad overwhelms my senses drown oh I feel dependent
The feeling that you are honestly gone
I can't shake it...
Make the same mistake twice
Burst of red and green all over me
Brings the things that she'll love
I should let it form over
We count the days left, 23
And all I know
Honestly, could I be protected
With you suddenly gone
The feeling that you are honestly gone
I can't shake it...
Make the same mistake twice
Burst of red and green all over me
Brings the things that she'll love
I should let it form over
Make the same mistake twice
Burst of red and green all over me
Brings the things that she'll love
I should let it form over
Make the same mistake twice
Burst of red and green covering me
Blog Entry: 01, Date: 26/07/2024 02:17
T/W (self-harm, eating-disorders, suicide)
Sooo... this is my first blog entry, after having this site up for about 7-8 months.
I don't know why I decided to start writing now, there's not a lot going on in my life right now so I guess I'll just write about my feelings.
I've been feeling kind of empty as of late, might be because of the meds I started taking. I hate having to take them... but if I don't my anxiety goes through the roof and I'll spend half the day worrying/ having panic attacks.
I don't know where it all went wrong with me, if I had to say it would be around 2018 possibly even way before that but 2018 feels like somekind of milestone. That year something changed me,
I don't even recognize the person I was before I turned 14.
It was probably the most fucked up year of my life so far but also the most defining for me as a person... at the time I felt absolutely devastated but at least I still felt something, there were still things going on in my life. I was still in school, still had friends, I was doing new things even though I was emotionally fucked
it was all kind of exciting. I would give everything just to experience those moments again, I know that must sound stupid... it's hard to explain.
I still had a fighting spirit those days, when I was destroying myself I just wanted people to see me and know that I wasn't doing okay even with my 'suicide' attempts I wasn't ever trying to actually kill myself even though I was pushing the edge
I did it so people would notice me.
I often hear people say stuff about self-harm like "She's given up on life." or "Oh she was just doing it for attention." like it's something to be ashamed about... it isn't, it's a cry for help
and it's not about giving up either. It's just that it's easier for me to cut or starve myself than it is to explain to someone why I'm feeling this way. recently I've been learning to talk more about my feelings which makes me feel much more vulnarable
and weaker than I've ever felt before, my own mortality scares me now. I tried going back to my old ways but they don't make me feel anything, I just need to get rid of this stupid fear of everything and try to get my life back on the rails.
So yeah, that's it. My first blog entry... sorry it was so depressing just needed to get this off my chest, so to whoever is reading this thank you for listening I know this might all sound like stupid rambling to some. I just wanted to write something
for this page, hopefully future entries will be more positive lol I wanna start work on my game again so I'll probably give updates about that in future entries. Oh I also started making Kandi bracelets I'll post some on here tomorrow! It's 4:39AM so need to get some sleep now or else I'm going to die BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
song of the day...
Lyrics
And when I see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around
Turns you around
If you feel discouraged
When there's a lack of color here
Please, don't worry, lover
It's really bursting at the seams from absorbing everything
The spectrum's A to Z
This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine can't make me feel
Any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone
To call at 7:03
And on your machine, I slur a plea for you to come home
But I know it's too late
And I should've given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
